Gratitude Works Best in Hard Times

It is not happiness that makes us grateful. It is gratefulness that makes us happy.          Brother David Stiendl-Rast

These are hard times.Because of this pandemic, most of us will not be able to join our families to celebrate life and each other this holiday season. And for many, these are the hardest times in our life. There is suffering and pain and sickness. There is unemployment and underemployment. There is a loss of physical connectivity with friends and family. There is increasing depression, loneliness, estrangement, domestic violence, and substance abuse. So I hesitate to acclaim the value and importance of gratitude in this time. But I will.

It is the paradox of the spiritual life, that in times of difficulty, it is often gratitude that can save the day. I know one day it did for me.

I was estranged from my family, in early recovery. I was faced with the prospect of spending Christmas alone for the first time. I came across a man in a wheelchair in one of my recovery support meetings. His name was Mark, and he was hit by a car and broke his legs. He was intoxicated, and carrying a Christmas tree at night across one of the busiest streets in town. He was trying to stay sober, and a friend, who knew I was a little shaky myself, suggested that I should offer myself to him as someone who has found a way to recover.

I began going over to his little apartment each week to talk about how to stay sober. He also was estranged from his wife and children. One day while we were together in his apartment talking, there was a knock on the door. I went to open it (Mark was still in his wheelchair). It was his wife and two lovely daughters. They had brought him a large platter of homemade decorated Christmas cookies. Mark was beaming with joy, and so was I.

I left them alone to reunite, and realized as I walked towards my car that my own self-pity and melancholy had mysteriously dissipated. I felt only joy and gratitude for being a part of this little reunion miracle. It turned out, though I missed my wife and children terribly, that this Christmas working together with Mark was one of the most memorable Christmas’s in my life.

Sometimes, out of the blue, I am accosted by this same spirit of gratitude. It happens most often hiking in the alpine back-country. Sometimes it happens on one of my jogs, or watching a movie, or during Sunday Mass. I cannot predict when or where. I am grateful for these sudden onsets of  gratitude.

This spontaneous eruption of gratitude is a surprise, springing up from an instant awareness of what has always been true; absolutely everything is pure gift. I have once again stumbled upon a treasure that was always there.

In addiction recovery rooms around the world, November is known as “gratitude month”. Those who have risen out of the ash heap of addiction understand what a gift it is to now see the world differently—to see it as it truly is, full of beauty, and love, and adventure. With this new way of seeing the world, life presents itself each day, each moment, with fresh surprises and renewed reasons for gratitude.

Elie Wiesel was a Jewish author, concentration camp survivor, and Nobel Peace Prize winner. In his acceptance speech he said;

No one is as capable of gratitude as one who has emerged from the kingdom of night. We know that every moment is a moment of grace, every hour an offering; not to share them would mean to betray them. Our lives no longer belong to us alone; they belong to all those who need us desperately.

Ingratitude however, arises from a lack of vision–an inability to see life as a pure gift. In this state, I spend my time wanting what others have, wishing I was somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else. In any given moment I can become the victim of the delusion that if something would change, I would be happy and content.

Gratitude, like all of the moral virtues, originates from and flows out of love– a love born of trusting and relying on a God who actively cares for us all. The heart of gratitude lies not in things received, but in a relationship that one believes will not fail. As Brennan Manning wrote,  “The dominant characteristic of an authentic spiritual life is the gratitude that flows from trust.”   

 The Gratitude List     

A popular exercise this time of year is making a Gratitude list. A gratitude list prompts a change in perception. Over the years I have made my share of gratitude lists–almost always as a result of feelings of  restlessness, and of irritability, and of discontent.

When I begin to wish things were not as they are, or that someone would act differently, or my situation were different, then it is time to take out a pencil and write down all the beauty and g

race that surrounds me in this very moment.

Making the list may be difficult when you are sick, or broke, or fighting with a loved one. Yet, that is the very time to make one. Getting started with your list may be hard in those times-so start with what is directly in front of you; the table you are sitting at, the pen in your hand, the ability to write, to think, to breathe in and out, and on and on until it dawns on you how many gifts you are showered with.

A friend of mine once said that when he is discontented, it is usually around one of two things—people or money. He is either unhappy with someone in his life, or he is wishing for more material things.

When it comes to people, I find it hard to be irritated or annoyed if I am aware of their value as a human. Even those ‘challenging’ folks are in my life to teach me something about myself–so with that view I can be grateful for them as well.

When I am sick, I am forced to slow down and get back to what things really matter—my relationship with God, and with those around me. There are times when a prolonged illness has helped me see the need to adjust my life and return to core value practices.

And when I am melancholy, or anxious, taking time to pause and remember once more how cared for I am will lift me up.

But this is first -aid. To become a person of gratitude requires more. Regular practices of gratitude  over time transform can one into a person of gratitude

Saying Grace

One of the most common demonstrations of gratitude (or at least it once was), is saying grace before meals. Today, my wife and I cherish the time we sit together before our meals, and pause to thank a gracious and loving God for the food in front of us.

Saying grace is a concrete reminder that through the years of having little we always had enough. It is how we acknowledge we are always dependent on a loving God for everything.

Self-reliance is a delusion. I am lost without the moment-to-moment love and grace of God. To cultivate gratefulness as an abiding disposition towards my life, I must remain aware of this fundamental truth. Saying grace is a spiritual practice that helps cultivate this awareness.

Gratitude must Act

There is a misconception that gratitude is simply a feeling. Its not.  Like love, gratitude is only authentic when it is demonstrated—if it can be seen. I can act “as if” I am grateful, and in the acting become grateful.

Authentic gratitude cries out for expression. It has to act. It is real only if seen in acts of helpfulness and generosity towards others. Like a healthy stream that is fed on one end, gratitude must flow out in love and service to others.

Here is a Thanksgiving poem– from a British Poet, Holly Ordway

Thanksgiving starts with thanks for mere survival,
Just to have made it through another year
With everyone still breathing. But we share
So much beyond the outer roads we travel;
Our interweavings on a deeper level,
The modes of life that souls alone can share,
The unguessed blessings of our being here,
The warp and weft that no one can unravel.

So I give thanks for our deep coinherence
Inwoven in the web of Gods own grace,
Pulling us through the grave and gate of death.
I thank him for the truth behind appearance,
I thank him for his light in every face,
I thank him for you all, with every breath

So, go ahead, and make that gratitude list this Thanksgiving. Regardless of the current pain, uncertainty, and lack of physical connection with each other, we can cultivate an abiding awareness that all of life is a gift to be shared.

Happy Thanksgiving

Bob