Finding and Keeping Friends: Some thoughts for my grandchildren

God knows our desire to be known and to be loved! He made us for companionship. Our friends can be the greatest source of love, healing, joy, and encouragement.

Finding and keeping good friends has been a very important part of growing up and growing old. The friends I have made and continue to make bring contentment, peace, and joy into my life.

Choosing who will be our close friends is an important decision, yet not that easy. It takes practice and patience and some skills to recognize who will be a good friend—someone that will help you in becoming the person you want to be— someone who adds joy and happiness and contentment to your life.

There are some guidelines from the ancients and the wise on friendship—on their value, on what to look for in a good friend, and even some warnings from making bad choices in friends.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.  EC 4:9-10

 One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Prov 18:24

 Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, Prov 22:24

… clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Col 3:12

I grew up in a small town and attended a small Catholic school. Most of my fellow students lived within walking or biking distance. Three of my best friends lived within blocks of my house.

We did everything together. Attended Church functions, sporting events, town events—we were together as a class a lot. Over time, some of these classmates became close friends. How does that happen?

First, these close friends enjoyed me and I enjoyed them. We sought each other out. We ate dinner at each other’s homes, often spent the night at each other’s house, knew each other parents and siblings well.

Second, there was a difference I felt when around these classmates. When I think about how they became close friends and others did not, it was the comfort I felt around them. I never felt I had to impress them or prove myself to them. I was relaxed and comfortable when with them.

Third, they were generally kind and decent. I was uncomfortable around guys who liked to pick fights or bully others, or who were vandals or thief’s or liars or otherwise mean. My friends and I were not perfect. We got into trouble, broke some rules. But, we never set out to hurt anyone or anyone’s property, outside the harmless ‘Tee-peeing” of yards.

When it comes to choosing my friends, I have had to learn to not make quick judgments or decide on first impressions of others, for I am almost always wrong. I have learned over time to be open to the differences of others, for they may have characteristics that I could use in my own life. So I try to stay open to the idea that anyone could develop into a close friend of mine, if I am open to it and give them a chance.

I was at my writing group one Saturday morning, in a nice little coffee shop in a back room with comfortable chairs and couches and coffee table. I was sipping on my  “Saturday Morning Size” Americano, as the other group members settled in. Just as we were about to begin, a tall black man came in carrying a backpack. He had long dreadlocks, torn blue jeans, and wore an old army jacket. He had brought a breakfast sandwich from a nearby fast-food place to eat.

My first thought was “this poor fellow must be homeless, and just needs to get out of the cold rain for awhile and eat his breakfast.”

As we went around sharing our written work, this man pulled out a notebook from his backpack, opened it up, and read some of the most beautiful prose I had heard. He then gave feedback to all of us on our writing. His feedback to me was the most valuable and insightful in the room. This was a gifted writer.

I was stunned once more by my tendency to judge others on first impressions. How many potential friends are out there that I missed because I was not open to it or make room to let themselves be known?

I have never had a lot of close friends. I prefer to have a few close friends rather than a lot of acquaintances. But that’s just me—the introvert. As I have gotten older, I value friends more than ever– friends with whom I share both the joys and the weight of the world  I have about a half dozen men and a few women that I call my close friends—friends I love to be around, but also friends I would not hesitate to share my difficult times with. That’s one of the main roles of a friend. As Dorothy Sayers says “A trouble shared is a trouble halved”.  And the wise man of Proverbs said “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. Prov 17:17

Here are some guidelines that have worked well for me in making and keeping friends;

• First, be a friend: How can I add value to this person’s life? Just including someone is a start.
• Avoid initial judgments or comparing: No matter what a person’s faith is, where they live, there culture, race, or whatever—be open to the fact that this person could possibly develop into one of your most valuable and satisfying relationships, regardless of your first, second, or even third impression.
• Pay attention to how they treat people. If they are kind, thoughtful, and generous—or if they are mean, angry, bullying, disruptive, dishonest, or destructive.
• Practice patience, tolerance, and forgiveness. Even our close friends (and family!) can sometimes get under our skin. To maintain life-long relationships that are important to us we will have to get used to practicing patience, tolerance and forgiveness. (By the way, tolerance is easier on us than forgiveness.)
• Stay in touch: This is the most difficult part for me. I need to be reminded to reach out and say hello and check in on my close friends from time to time.

Making and keeping friends is one of the chief joys in our life. We don’t know how vital they are until they are missed.  After all, we are all just walking each other home.

Find your friends and keep them.

Papa