Together Fifty Years : A Brief Accounting

So you asked ” How did you and mom stay in love for fifty years?” I guess the best way to respond is to tell the story.

Every relationship starts the same. You begin with knowing nothing about the person—maybe a little hearsay, but other than that, this person is like a blank sheet of paper that will in time fill up with information.

To get to know someone, and then get to like them, and then maybe to love them, takes time, work, an openness to them, a sense of curiosity about them and a sincere interest in them. Only then do you discover what it is about them that attracts you.

For life-long friendships and loves, this takes, well, a lifetime. The journey towards these life-long relationships is like the prospector who finds in a cave a glimmer of a vein of gold, and with joy begins to mine it, and in so doing discovers the whole cave is laden with gold—and is his/hers if they are willing to keep at it for life.

These thoughts of mine are not from a book I have read on building and keeping relationships. It is what I have learned from being in the longest relationship outside my family of origin. They are lessons from the past fifty years, from the time I first asked your mom out to writing this today.

During this time, I have learned that there are two indispensable requirements for growing into a long-term relationship with someone, be it close friends or life-long lover. The first is to value and even celebrate our differences. The second is to regularly engage in common interests. Every relationship that brings value to our lives will have both .

I knew of your mother months before I met her. The first time I saw her she was walking down the narrow halls of Decatur High School in North Alabama. She wore a bright yellow short-sleeve dress, exposing her tan and freckled arms—one of which was wrapped with a leather band with a tassel hanging down. Her thick auburn hair fell in waves around her shoulders. As she passed her girlfriends in the hall, she gave her earlobe a tug—the standard greeting of her sorority, ‘JUGS’ (for ‘Just Us Girls’). The very thing—a red-headed hippie chick in a southern sorority named ‘Jugs’. What was not to like about that? If I had my choice of the one girl in this high school I could be with, it would be her.

I was friends with her older brother Charlie, who was in my class. The first time I visited Charlie, your mom answered the door. I asked for Charlie, and she said, “do you mean Robbie?” Robbie was her younger brother, a full three years younger than me!  “No”, I said with chagrin. “I am here to see Charlie. We are in class together.” That was our first meeting.

Charlie and I were in our own “fraternity” of five—a fraternity known only to us. The circle your mom was in and the one I was in did not intersect. Regardless, I was smitten by your mom’s beauty, and I took what was for me my greatest risk to date. I asked her out. To  my surprise and terror she said “yes”. From that moment until this, we have been on an adventure of discovery— the discovery of close, long-term relationships. It is a discovery as vast and exciting as that of any uncharted and unknown lands.

It has been said that in relationships, like in physics, that “opposites attract”. That could not be truer in our case. I am a solid INFP according to the Myers -Briggs personality scale—which means I am a hyper-sensitive introvert. Your mother while also sensitive, is anything but an introvert. She can make friends with strangers in sixty seconds. I have seen her engage complete strangers in conversations that would convince eavesdroppers that these were close friends! When we go on our hikes, she does her best to engage everyone we pass, and whether they respond or not—she will not be dismayed.

I would rather clean my garage than go to a “social function”. I could go days without talking to anyone or seeing anyone and not feel I have missed out. Yet your mother thrives in social settings, whether she knows anyone there or not. Over the years your mother has helped me learn to be more at ease in these social situations. In turn, I have watched your mom become more comfortable with silence and solitude, with mornings of prayer and meditation and afternoons of contemplative gardening and artwork. We are indeed growing into each other. That is the effect of close, long-term relationships. There is a certain blending without absorption.

The wonderful discoveries that happen in long-term relationships requires an openness to and gratitude for these differences. What used to make me either uncomfortable or a little irritated I now find endearing. Along with appreciating our differences, there will also develop common life values and interests. Through the years we have acquired mutual likes: British TV mysteries, Turner Classic Movies, historical drama’s, reading, alpine hikes, long bike rides, walks in the woods and along the shores, and the occasional scrabble or card game. And we have embraced a life together that aspires towards the same goals and values. We both treasure our mutual yet individual mode of inner life.

Over time we have also learned to divide our home responsibilities fairly yet according to our preferences: I enjoy yard work and tolerate house-cleaning. You mom enjoys cooking and tolerates grocery shopping.

And, over time ,(please note the refrain “Over Time”) I have become amused at some of your mom’s personality traits and habits, and I suspect she has learned to tolerate mine. We stopped a long time ago trying to change each other to our liking. It is better to learn to love each other as we are. Today, I can sit patiently in the car waiting for your mother, and smile—because this is the very same woman I fell in love with in the halls of Decatur High School.

We do get irritated and exasperated with each other. That comes with any close and long-term relationship.  We often ask each other to forgive our impatience, our unkind remarks, or our unthoughtful acts. And we always receive it, because we know we are both still learning how to be a person in a life-long relationship.

I have learned that when I am in a less than loving attitude, I can choose to act opposite from the way I temporarily feel, and watch as my feelings change. Maybe I shouldn’t let her know my secret—but sometimes when I am irritated, I will give your mom a kiss instead of an unkind remark, and all is well. No damage done!

Yes, life-long relationships require that I let go of  my demands and expectations and open my eyes to the absolute wonder that is another human being—and to celebrate the miracle of connection and love. If asked the secret of fifty years of a happy relationship, here is what I know:

1. Value and celebrate the differences in personality, backgrounds, likes, dislikes, and habits.
2. Acquire several common likes and activities and do them regularly.
3. Have a similar life-code, spirituality, and inner-life.
4. Always assume positive and loving intent.
5. Practice tolerance and forgiveness – and it is practice.
6. See each other for what you are; a life-long gift from God.

I knew none of this when I saw your mom walk down the halls of Decatur High School. I learned some of it through my clumsy and mistake-prone efforts to know and love her. The rest has been grace– and time.

Love,

Dad